A room is also devoted to a former England star
WAKING from a deep slumber, my bleary eyes finally focus on a familiar face staring down at me . . . it’s Jeremy Clarkson.
No, I wasn’t on the booze last night and I’m not hallucinating. But it IS Clarkson towering over me — in the form of a 3ft-tall canvas portrait which fills the wall behind my super-king-sized hotel bed.
In fact, my entire room at the historic Empress Building in Mexborough, South Yorks, is themed to honour The Sun’s star columnist.
It’s part of a wacky, £500,000 refurbishment of the upper floor at the entertainment venue, a short drive from Jezza’s birthplace in Sprotbrough.
Clarkson is feted among other locally born stars, including footie hero Kevin Keegan and Bond Girl Diana Rigg.
Good contraceptive
But it’s the motoring journalist’s room, which costs £78.40 per night, that has been a runaway viral success.
“It was a massive surprise,” says boss Jason Mace.
“We only posted a picture on Facebook. I never thought it would be a big attraction.
“I only chose him because I thought it would be funny.
“I believed Keegan’s room would have been the most popular, but I was wrong. I guess everyone wants a piece of Clarkson.”
A week after opening, The Clarkson Suite already has 30 bookings — making it even more popular than the luxury bridal accommodation.
It has attracted lots of attention, including from Amanda Holden on her Heart Breakfast radio show, and was due to appear on satirical BBC news quiz Have I Got News For You last night. So what’s it like?
After climbing the hotel’s steep staircase, the halls are maze-like and all identical, decked in black and gold.
Described as “bold and brash”, The Clarkson Suite is an unashamed shrine to the TV star and is certainly comfortably befitting of someone supposedly worth £59million.
In a nod to his Top Gear hosting credentials, pictures of luxury motors adorn the walls, including a Ferrari FXX K, which reaches 60mph in 2.26 seconds, classic Jaguars and a Ford Mustang.
And in large writing are the so-called “Clarkson’s Rules of Life”, which include “never apologise for having fun” and “laugh loudly, drive hard and live even harder”.
Curiously, above the bed is the instruction: “Always go faster than strictly necessary.”
Not sure that’s the best advice for those checking in for a night of passion.
The room is dominated by a super-sized, black-and-white print of Clarkson’s face, which I’m sure even Jeremy would agree may not be for everyone.
Co-manager Amanda Gear jokes: “It’s like the Sistine Chapel in the way Clarkson’s eyes follow you everywhere around the room.”
Locals have already laughed about it online, saying the portrait could be a good contraceptive. “If I brought a girl back there, I don’t think I could do the deed with Clarkson staring down on me,” one resident told me in a nearby pub.
Having accidentally turned the heating up to 30C within half an hour of arriving, I’m hotter than a sports car’s engine.
No Top Gear
But I can’t let any air in due to the room’s only window being 8ft above the floor. Even 6ft 5in Clarkson would need steps.
The small toilet had slight stains on the floor, dust over the toothbrush holder and unusual paint marks on the tiles.
Meanwhile, you could do with a manual to operate the shower. Thirsty, I grab a drink cheekily labelled “Peckham Spring” after Del Boy Trotter’s Only Fools And Horses plot to sell tap water as upmarket H2O.
I switch on the 60-inch TV to make a troubling discovery — there’s no Top Gear.
I flick from BBC One through to the adult stations, with no Jezza in sight. So don’t forget your HDMI cable to pick up his motoring shows or Clarkson’s Farm on Amazon Prime Video.
I check the time on a car-themed clock. It says 9.28, despite still being afternoon. The batteries are dead. But the suites are a hit.
Co-manager Jemma Brannan reveals: “My phone never stops ringing.”
Other stars honoured in the themed digs include Commonwealth gold medal boxer Jon Jo Irwin, two-times world darts champion Dennis “The Menace” Priestley, Britain’s first F1 world champion Mike Hawthorn and actor Brian Blessed.
Local Briony Bayson says of the novel accommodation: “It’s a good thing to honour people from around here who have done well or are famous.
Hopefully, it’ll put us on the map.”
