For television’s most unlikely farmer, life on Diddly Squat Farm has been as chaotic as ever — but Jeremy Clarkson wouldn’t have it any other way.
In a recent sit-down with local press, Clarkson lifted the lid on his latest rural escapades — from explosive tractor mishaps to accidental bee invasions — revealing that for all the shouting, stinging, and stone-wall scolding, he’s never felt more satisfied at the end of each muddy day.
“One of the things we started this year was beekeeping,” Clarkson explained, half-serious and half-exasperated. “We’ve got five hives — that’s about five and a half million bees buzzing about now — and we make honey from that bee juice as we call it. It’s sold in the farm shop Lisa turned from a muddy barn into an actual shop that actually works.”
While the honey venture has been a sweet success, Clarkson’s foray into the world of bees has come at a cost: “I got stung every single time I went near them. Here’s the thing about bees — they look at the suit you’re wearing and think: ‘There’s a way in.’ One managed to crawl all the way up my trousers, found its way through my shirt, down the crack, and then decided to unleash maximum pain before dying. Quite the sacrifice on its part.”
The Clarkson’s Farm star says the pandemic barely changed their daily grind. “When it first started, I thought Oh God, I’m going to die, but we were marooned on a thousand acres and told we were key workers. Nobody clapped for us, mind you. But we just cracked on. Couldn’t have chosen a better job to survive a pandemic, really.”
As for the farm shop itself, there’s even a cheeky incentive for loyal petrolheads: Alfa Romeo drivers get a 10% discount — on the condition they can actually make it there. “No Alfa Romeo can ever make it to the shop,” Clarkson quipped, “but if one does, fair play.”
Of course, no Clarkson story is complete without tractor trouble. His beloved Lamborghini tractor remains a bone of contention for just about everyone within shouting distance. “From the moment I bought it, everyone’s said it’s too big. But how can a tractor be too big? It’s impossible. It’s like… well, you know.”
He admits the tractor doesn’t fit through many gates and did its fair share of hedge trimming on day one, but says the sheer power makes up for the scale — and the envy it inspires in other farmers. “The tyres are bigger than me. That’s not too big — that’s brilliant.”
Despite running a full-scale farming operation — with new crops, barley, fields of wheat, sheep, and of course, millions of bees — Clarkson remains modest about any new wisdom gained. “What have I learned about myself? Nothing. About sowing? Also nothing. But I’m very good at cultivating. And drilling. Except when I do the opposite of what Lisa tells me.”
The only people definitely not welcome to inspect his handiwork are his old Top Gear co-stars Richard Hammond and James May. “They’re banned. James once threatened to land his light aircraft on a field here, but I’d have shot him down if he tried.”
At the end of another exhausting season, Clarkson sums up the unexpected joy of farming life: “Every day, I get into bed feeling like I’ve actually achieved something — more in a day than in the last 30 years, probably. And we’ve ended up with some lovely honey. So there you go.”
